Asher's Blog

I used to think that if you did right by people, i.e. if you showed up consistently, if you gave your time, your energy, your loyalty, then things would naturally work out. Not perfectly, but at least fairly. But it turns out that life does not really work like that.

If anything, I have come to realise that the people closest to you are often the ones capable of hurting you the most. Not necessarily because they are bad people, but because proximity creates expectation, and expectation creates vulnerability. You open yourself up more, you trust more, you assume more. And when things do not go the way you imagined, the impact hits deeper than anything a stranger could ever do.

For a long time, I did not quite know how to process that. I found myself trying to make sense of people’s actions, trying to reconcile who I thought they were with what they had done. There was always this quiet attempt to fix things mentally, maybe I misunderstood, maybe I could have handled it better, maybe if I explained myself more clearly, they would see things differently. And without fully realising that I was slowly giving away my peace.

A Simple Idea That Changed Something in Me

Then in one of the sessions with my counselor, she recommended I read about Mel Robbins’ The Let Them Theory, and it felt almost too basic to be powerful. Let them. Let me.

At first it sounded passive, almost like giving up. But the more I sat with it, the more I realised it is actually one of the most significant shifts you can make, especially after you have been betrayed, hurt, or deeply disappointed.

Because the truth is, a lot of the pain we feel does not just come from what people do to us, it comes from our resistance to it. As Robbins writes, “The pain we feel often stems from wishing things were different than they are.”

You want people to show up a certain way. You want loyalty to look a certain way. You want fairness to exist in every situation. And when reality does not match that expectation, something inside you keeps pushing back, trying to rewrite what has already happened. That is where the exhaustion comes from.

Part One: Let Them

The first part of the shift is simple, but not easy. Let them misunderstand you. Let them choose differently. Let them act in ways you would never act. Let them think whatever they want to think about you. Not because it does not matter. But because you cannot control it.

And here is the hard truth underneath all of that. No matter how much you try, you will never be able to control or change another person. Not their thoughts, not their actions, not their perception of you. The only thing that has ever truly been within your control is you, your thoughts, your actions, your response.

Once that really sinks in, something begins to loosen because so much of the stress we carry is tied to things that were never ours to manage in the first place. Robbins puts it plainly: “Other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them.” And when you keep trying to control what they think or how they behave, you are constantly handing that power over, little by little, without even realising it.

I have seen how that plays out, I have felt it myself. The moment you internalise someone else’s behaviour as a reflection of your worth, everything shifts, you start questioning yourself. You feel unsettled, insecure, like you are standing on ground that keeps moving beneath you.

I have had moments where I replayed conversations in my head, trying to figure out what I could have done differently. Moments where I wondered whether I had somehow caused what happened. But that is the trap! Because once you start measuring yourself through other people’s actions, you lose your centre.

So you let them.

Not as weakness but as release.

You stop gripping so tightly to how things should go and you allow things to unfold the way they will. And in doing that, you take back something very important, your energy.

Part Two: Let You

But that is only half of it. The second part is where the real work begins.

Let me.

Let me decide how I respond. Let me choose what I focus on. Let me keep building, regardless of how I feel right now. Because at the end of the day, the source of your power is not in managing other people, it is in your response to them.

And this part is rarely glamorous, it is not a big dramatic moment or a single turning point. Most of the time it is quiet and repetitive. It is waking up and doing what needs to be done even when you do not feel like it, and even when things around you feel unfair, unresolved, or unfinished. As the saying goes, “You don’t have to feel ready. You just have to begin.”

Winston Churchill captured the spirit of it when he said, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” That courage is not always in your face or outspoken. Sometimes it is just getting up and chipping away at what matters, day after day, regardless of the noise around you.

That is what let me looks like in practice.

It is not about waiting for everything to be right before you move forward. It is about moving forward despite everything that is not. Because if you do not, you end up stuck in a loop where your progress is constantly tied to other people’s behaviour. And that is a dangerous place to live, a subtle form of survival mode where you are always reacting instead of building.

Life is too important for that. There is too much at stake to allow unnecessary stress from other people to dictate how you live, how you show up, and what you create.

The Freedom of Letting Go of Their Opinion

One of the most liberating ideas I have embraced is this, give people the freedom to think negatively about you. This sounds uncomfortable but the moment you stop trying to manage how you are perceived, you start showing up more fully as yourself. You stop editing your actions to fit expectations that you do not even agree with. You begin to operate from a place that is far more grounded and far more honest, and ironically, that is where real confidence begins to grow.

As Marcus Aurelius wrote in Meditations, “You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength.” This is not a modern self-help idea but ancient wisdom that has survived for a reason, because it is true, and because every generation has to learn it the same hard way.

What the Hard Things Actually Teach You

Looking back, I do not think fights, betrayal, hurt, or disappointment are things you can completely avoid, especially if you are building, leading, or simply living fully. The more you invest in people and in life, the more exposed you become. But I do think they can prepare you, if you let them.

They teach you where your control begins and where it ends. They teach you how to separate your identity from other people’s actions. They teach you how to keep moving even when things feel deeply unsettled. And they teach you, slowly and sometimes painfully, that your sense of self cannot be something that other people get to define.

Maya Angelou said, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” This decision, the decision not to be reduced, is made quietly, usually when no one is watching. It is made in the moment you choose to keep going rather than staying in the wound.

The Posture That Changes Everything

Maybe the most powerful thing these experiences have taught me is a posture. Not a strategy, not a formula, just a way of standing in the world that protects your peace without closing your heart.

Let them be who they are.

Let you be who you choose to become.

Those two sentences, lived honestly, are enough to change how you carry yourself through almost everything.

For anyone in the middle of something that hurt more than it should have, keep going.