Asher's Blog

Valentine’s Day was here, and my wife and I decided to make it intentional: we wanted to do a trip but for some unforseen reasons, we couldn’t, so we had a nice 2-day intimate plan somewhere in city center without the girls. We did not have an elaborate plan but we agreed that this year would be celebrated differently, and enjoyed. Writing this now, I just remembered that my wife enjoyed the getaway a lot but she got me a gift and I didn’t get her one. I will correct that. 

One thing I have learned about life is that it must be lived fully with the people you love. Many people say we should enjoy today because tomorrow is not promised. I enjoy today because I choose to spend more of it with the people I love: my wife and children, my siblings and my close friends. I think about tomorrow often and that awareness pushes me to invest in today – especially in the meaningful and loyal relationships. 

So, when I am away, I stay connected with my people in practical ways. I bought a tripod so I can leave my phone on a video call while I work or while I’m at home reading or watching the TV, and we stay on the video for hours. We are all doing other things while we just stay on the video call, and side-talk. It is really about the presence which does not always require continuous chitchat but intention and openness. The priority in my home and in my close relationships is to be present, to be kind, to be helpful, and to care in visible ways.

I have heard people say affection is easier when your partner makes it easy. I respectfully disagree. Love is not a reaction to convenience, love is a habit built through decisions. Some people may find certain expressions easier than others but every one of us can develop the habits that protect our relationships.

It begins with one honest decision. Do you want your home to know that you care? If the answer is yes, then you must ask how they define care. Their perspective matters more than your intention. Your family will measure love through what they consistently see and experience.

I have noticed that many couples leave love to feelings. They wait to feel affectionate before they act affectionate. They wait to feel patient before they speak patiently. But healthy marriages reverse that order; they make decisions first and allow feelings to follow.

A good place to start is with simple decisions of courtesy, kindness, and patience; they are the pillars of a strong home. Children who grow up watching these values internalize them and become well nurtured, confident and emotionally strong and sound. Arguments reduce when courtesy is present. Anger loses control when patience leads, and violence or rage has no place where kindness is allowed to flourish.

If you are a Christian, you are not empty or incapable of these virtues because the Love of God has been poured out into your hearts by the Holy Spirit. You are capable of kindness in all situations, and you are capable of patience even when emotions run high. One of the fruits of your regenerated spirit is kindness, so being kind is native for you. 

Here are seven practical ways to demonstrate courtesy, kindness, and patience in marriage. I will attempt to replace old thinking and old ways that most people are used to, and challenge you to adopt and demonstrate these new ways.

First, greet your spouse intentionally every day. Family therapist, Virginia Stir, said that people (both men and women) need 12 hugs daily to have a day of growth. 4 hugs a day is just for survival and 8 hugs a day is for maintenance but 12 hugs becomes meaningful and builds up a strong emotional connection. I have learnt that emotions form the bedrok of how you turn up because they influence your feelings, your thoughts, actions and then habits.  Imagine a child that grows up without being hugged by his/her parents. Imagine a husband or wife that miss out on 12 meaningful hugs per day. 4 hugs or less just means your relationship is surviving – this is something to pay attention to if you really care about your relationship. 

Second, speak with restraint during disagreement. Dr. John Gottman at the Gottman Institute found that how a conflict starts predicts how it ends. He calls it the “harsh startup” principle. Conversations that begin with criticism, raised voices, or contempt are far more likely to end poorly. But conversations that begin gently are far more likely to resolve constructively. I’ve learnt that strong opinions do not require harsh delivery. Calm words preserve dignity and create room for understanding. Remember these 2 scriptures when you are in an intense moment: 

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. James 1:19–20

Third, pause before reacting when emotions rise because a brief moment of reflection can prevent unnecessary damage. Neuroscience teaches us that when emotions spike, the amygdala activates rapidly. This is often called an “amygdala hijack.” The prefrontal cortex, which handles reasoning and impulse control, temporarily loses dominance. But a deliberate pause re-engages the thinking brain. So, make pausing a regular thing you do. Take a breathe. Don’t be quick to give a response, take your time. Don’t react, respond. Don’t allow people trigger you to react, and in my experience, it is better not to be around this kind of people. 

A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. Proverbs 29:11

Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city. Proverbs 16:32

Fourth, serve without waiting to be asked. Repeated small positive actions matter more than occasional grand gestures. Daily micro-acts of care accumulate trust and trust is one of the strongest force in a beautiful relationship. So, notice what needs attention and take initiative. Thoughtful action communicates care more clearly than promises. 

Through love serve one another. Galatians 5:13

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:4

Fifth, defend your spouse in public and correct issues in private. Public honor builds security, and private conversations build trust. Love covers a lot of sins, and I have learnt that in loyal and beautiful relationships, the act of forgiveness is ongoing, native and common. People do it without even realising it. Contempt is one of the strongest predictors of relational breakdown. Public embarrassment often carries elements of contempt like sarcasm, eye-rolling, and  “jokes” that expose weakness. When a spouse feels exposed in front of others, the injury goes deeper than the moment. Public criticism signals disloyalty, and disloyalty creates insecurity. And for a lot of people, especially women (as written by Bill Farrel and Pam Farrel), security is the foundation of intimacy.

Sixth, create consistent moments of connection. This is one value I have learnt from my closest friend – he is very intentional about creating these moments with his wife, on a weekly basis and during occassions, and he started when resources were quite low. Our habits shape identity and so, shared habits shape relational identity. Couples who protect rituals build a sense of “us” and that shared identity becomes a buffer during conflict. Rituals do not need extravagance, they just need regularity. A walk every Sunday, Phone-free dinners, Praying together before bed, Monthly planning conversations. 

Seventh, apologize quickly and sincerely when you are wrong. Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. James 5:16 A humble apology restores closeness faster than prolonged justification. Successful couples are not the ones who avoid conflict, they are the ones who repair quickly after conflict. Remember, Speed matters in repair. Tone matters in repair. And ownership matters in repair.

Valentine’s Day reminds us to celebrate love, but the real work of love happens in ordinary days.

A beautiful marriage is not sustained by grand gestures alone. It is sustained by daily choices that communicate care. Decide who you will be in your home. Decide that courtesy will lead your words, kindness will shape your actions, and patience will guard your reactions.

When two people make those decisions consistently, love does not fade with time. 

I wish you well